A dignified send-off for everything this city quietly kills — your commute, your weekend, your patience, and that restaurant you loved on Dunlop Street.
Life in Barrie takes so much from you. The least we can do is give it a tasteful casket and a slideshow.
A solemn farewell to the two hours of your life you surrender every Friday on Highway 400. We'll bury them somewhere between Barrie and the King City on-ramp.
For the driveway you just shovelled and the will to live that went with it. Interment delayed until the plow finally comes, i.e. April.
We honour every Barrie-line commuter who made it to the platform at 6:12 a.m. only to learn the train is "not in service this weekend." Again.
A memorial for the small local business that couldn't survive across the street from its ninth big-box neighbour. Now a vape shop. Soon a different vape shop.
We lay to rest the dream of buying a home in the city you were priced out of Toronto to escape. Please note plots have also gone up 40% this year.
In loving memory of the last great concert field, and the nightlife that once existed after 9 p.m. Rest easy. There's a very nice Costco there now.
We remember the beloved local institutions taken from us too soon — usually by a lease renewal.
Passed peacefully, surrounded by a "For Lease" sign and three people who kept meaning to try it. Survived by a bubble tea shop and your lingering regret. A GoFundMe is being ignored in its honour.
Taken from us by a paid app that requires you to make an account, verify your email, and accept the terms while a bylaw officer watches. Donations may be made in the form of a $45 ticket.
A brief but beautiful life. Enjoyed one warm weekend at Centennial Beach before being succeeded by "cottage traffic" and, shortly after, snow. Kempenfelt Bay held a private service. Kelly attended.
Predeceased by the left-turn lane. The family asks that you yield, signal, commit, and absolutely do not make eye contact with the Mazda already in the circle.
Peacefully rezoned after being named Canada's 2nd Best Place to Live. Survived by 60,000 new residents, a subdivision named after the trees it replaced, and a 40-minute wait at every brunch spot.
Now spends 3.5 hours a day on the 400 to afford the space they are never home to enjoy. Speaks only of the backyard. The backyard is fine. The backyard misses them too.
Submit an obituary for something Barrie killed — see our Contact page. No death too small. Especially not the small ones.
Why wait for life to end things naturally? With a Pre-Planned Grief Arrangement™, you can start mourning today — before the disappointment even arrives.
Pre-book your grief for the exact hour you'll try to leave the city on a Friday. We'll have the casket idling on the on-ramp, ready.
For students promised they'd "definitely stay in Barrie after graduation." We hold a gentle, pre-emptive service for that plan every convocation.
Prepay now and we'll mourn each snowfall as it lands, from the first flurry in October to the surprise blizzard on your May long weekend.
We've been laying Barrie's hopes to rest for three generations — mostly because none of us could afford to move away and find out if we'd be happier.
Born on Bayfield Street, raised in a plaza. Dale has personally eulogized nine coffee shops that became the same bank. He weeps at roundabouts.
Handles all lakeside services and negotiations with Kelly, our resident Kempenfelt Bay monster and silent business partner. Marguerite has never once been to Toronto and she'd like to keep it that way.
Provides last rites to weekends lost in gridlock. Can recite every Tim Hortons between here and Vaughan from memory. Officiates most services from the passing lane.
Real reviews from real Barrie residents who had real things quietly taken from them.
"They buried my Friday commute with such dignity. The eulogy started in Barrie and finished, tearfully, near Aurora. Would grieve here again."
"When my favourite downtown spot closed, Barrie Funerals gave it the send-off it deserved. There's a nail salon there now. It's fine. I'm fine."
"Beautiful service for my dream of home ownership. Docked one star because the plot went 40 grand over asking and a condo's already going up on it."
"Held a lovely vigil for summer. Both days of it. Gord read the weather forecast aloud and we all just held each other on the beach."
"My GO train was 'replaced by a bus.' Barrie Funerals replaced the bus with meaning. Ten out of ten. Still late, but spiritually on time."
"Kelly officiated our lakeside service. Very professional for a cryptid. Slightly damp. Highly recommend the waterfront package."
Conveniently located near everything you'll spend an hour trying to turn left into.
Our flagship. Ample parking that is always, mysteriously, completely full. Enter via the roundabout. Exit spiritually changed. Look for the sign; it's the one shaped like every other sign.
Lakeside services with a stunning view of the geese that own the boardwalk. Kelly appears by appointment. Please do not feed the grief.
Ideal for commuters mourning on their way out of town. Open whenever the train isn't, which is often. Bring exact change and low expectations.
Tell us what Barrie has taken from you. We'll respond within 3–5 business days, or after the snow clears, whichever is later.